Some Days, I Just Want to Breathe

Assalamualaikum wbt,

Hi,

I think I’m in a place where I feel like I’ve fallen into a hole in the sand.

The more I try to pull myself out, the harder it gets, and somehow I just sink deeper. So I decided to give myself some space. To stop fighting it for a while, and just walk through it. Sit with it. Live with it for a few days.

I’m not proud of it, to be honest.

I’m dealing with a lot of uncertainty, and trying to predict the future feels scary. I am scared. I hate what’s happening in the world right now. It feels like I don’t even have time to breathe.

And I just want to breathe. That’s all.

I’ve been writing about what brought me to where I am today. It’s not something to be proud of.

But maybe… what I am proud of is that I still showed up. I kept going. I did what I could.

Sometimes I feel like I have to pat my own back, because no one else will.

I also think about how I wish I could write poems again. To write, I feel like I need that certain kind of feeling in my heart, the one I used to have.

Not emotional in an overwhelming way like before, but something calmer. Something with composure, if that makes sense.

Today, while watching a BTS documentary on Netflix, I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time.

Love.

A kind of warmth in my heart that I thought I had lost. I used to have that feeling because I believed I had people around me who would stay for a long time.

And then, somehow, I lost everyone.

But maybe that’s not the full truth.

Maybe we just grew.

And it takes two people to choose each other, again and again.

Watching them, I realised something. They choose each other despite their differences. They grow, but they don’t let that growth pull them apart completely.

What keeps people together is not just history. It’s love. It’s an effort. It’s the willingness to give and take.

Because that’s a choice.

And it doesn’t work if it’s one-sided.

I think I’m emotional because I’ve had to go through everything and understand it from a distance. Almost like seeing my own life from a third lens.

Deep down, I think I’ve always understood these things.

I just didn’t want to accept them that way.

But I guess… I still have love in my heart.

Even after everything.

And maybe that’s enough for now.

Because this is just life. It happens.