When the Cycle Comes Back
Assalamualaikum wbt,
Hi.
Have you ever had a day, a week, or maybe even months or years where you feel drained, yet somehow still manage to function?
Well, that’s been me this week. I still get my work done, but everything feels slower than usual. The signs are familiar — the same ones I had when I went through severe burnout before. You just know when it’s coming. After years of going through this, I’ve learned to recognise my symptoms and triggers. And honestly, when it hits, it just hits. Some days I can shake it off and go back to normal, but other days, it’s really hard.
How do I know I’m slipping again?
I can’t sleep properly. I stress eat. My brain keeps spinning with solutions for problems that don’t even exist yet. I neglect my cat, my self-care, and everything else around me. I have a lot of work to do this week, but project-wise... I haven’t started any of it.
I’m feeling alone again.
To be honest, I’m just tired. So tired.
But I still have to keep going.
This is the cycle I hate the most — the one I have to face over and over again. Yes, it’s better than before, but somehow, it still comes back. And when it does, everything feels the same again. It makes me doubt whether I’ve really grown or matured or learned to handle things better. I know I can’t control everything, but at least, I want to be able to handle myself.
And yet, here I am, feeling bad again for things I can’t control — like the weather these days.
I don’t really share this side of me with people anymore. Because when I do, it somehow becomes about them. Even with family. When I open up about this, the response is usually about my connection with my Creator. And yes, I know — my Creator is the only one I hold onto when I’m in this pit.
But healing still has to come from within. I can’t be better if I don’t heal myself from the inside. Right now, I just feel lost.
You see, this fragile, uncertain, doubtful part of me — it’s the side people don’t like. They say I ruin the good vibes. I can’t help that. When I think back, I don’t even know how I managed to be okay with that before, lol.
Now, I just face it. When the cycle comes, I face it.
I live through it.
“I’m sad, but I’m alive, and living through it. That is my solace and my joy.”
― I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki
