Assalamualaikum wbt,
Hi!
I was supposed to update this yesterday after work, but I ended up spending time with my cats. So… here we go.
Looking back, I’d say 2016–2019 was really a time of healing—from losses, heartbreaks, and figuring out my place in a career I honestly thought I was just lucky enough to land. Confidence? I had none.
2016 especially was filled with new experiences: trying new things, visiting new places in Malaysia, and meeting new people. A couple of my best friends got married, I went to my first concert (Afgan concert), and I had my second trip to another G7 mountain (Yong Belar).
Before I forget—after finishing my Green Book Holder course, I actually didn’t start working right away. The more I learned, the more I realized the field wasn’t for me. Instead, I joined a government program at a big company in town. The program should’ve lasted 3–6 months (I can’t recall exactly), but I only stayed a month because I received a job offer.
During that short time, I met wonderful people who are still my friends today. Around the same period, I was already close with my hiking circle. One time, I followed a friend to Langkawi when my company closed for a week. The trip was raw, unplanned, and full of discovery. I experienced kampung life in Langkawi, went island hopping, and even tasted fresh crab caught by locals on Tuba Island—still unforgettable.
I also remember an open-water kayaking trip. We rested near a mangrove while the tide was high. When we woke up, the water went down, and we got stuck in the mud. Walking through it was terrifying and exhausting—I even lost my sandal. We tied the kayak to a mangrove and struggled our way to land on foot. It was challenging, but in hindsight, it’s a memory I treasure.
Later, I joined a hiking trip to Berekeh, Perak. It was a huge group, and I hadn’t planned how to return to the city since my leave ended. Luckily, I met a friend-of-a-friend from the city. Out of nowhere, I confidently asked if I could hitch a ride with him. I didn’t mind if he dropped me somewhere along the way as long as I got back safely to my sister’s house (I was living with her at the time).
While I was expanding my world through hiking trips and meeting new people, my career wasn’t going so well. I loved the job, but not the people. Without guidance, I felt lost. On top of that, I was still struggling to move on from someone. Hiking distracted me, but the nights alone brought all the thoughts back.
That period felt like limbo—constantly questioning where I belonged and who would truly accept me. On the outside, I seemed strong, but inside, I was in pain. People said I was emotional. They weren’t wrong; I poured my feelings into words and poems. Some admired it, others dismissed it as being “too emo.” But all I really wanted was recognition and acceptance.
From then until 2019, I joined countless events: fun runs, half and full marathons (I hated the full one but was convinced to try), rock climbing, baseball, short trips, concerts, a movie preview (a gift from my niece), Ola Bola Theatre at Istana Budaya (a friend’s gift), weddings, art exhibitions, more G7 peaks (Chamah, Ulu Sepat, Yong Yap), many trans hikes, and lastly, I got my first fur baby. There were tears, but also joy.
Looking back, I realize how much my friends tolerated my emotional turbulence. Honestly, if I were them, I probably wouldn’t have. It took me a long time to understand: no one can fully understand you. People may try, but it’s not their responsibility.
The hardest part was losing my childhood friend, who was also the pillar of our group. I loved and supported her through everything. But in early 2019, cracks started forming. I felt used—important only when convenient. I cried every day, but eventually, I decided I couldn’t accept being treated that way anymore.
COVID came, and though lonely, it gave me space. I quietly removed myself from our circle, even losing access to my Instagram account by accident. Deep down, I wanted her to understand how much she had hurt me. I had hope that one day we could reconcile. But two years later, I discovered something that changed everything—and that’s a story for tomorrow.
I’ll continue this tomorrow. For now, I need some sleep.
