I Knew, But I Stayed

Assalamualaikum wbt,

Hi,

I believe I started to get into the root of it all by writing everything according to timeline and why it makes sense at the end of the day.

I was around 26 when I got into my first real relationship.

Before that, there were a few flings here and there, but nothing serious. Nothing emotional. I never really allowed myself to go there.

He was someone I already knew.

We were classmates during our university days. Back then, I didn’t have any interest in him at all. My friends knew who I liked at the time, and he was never part of that picture.

So it didn’t start from attraction.

It just… happened.

Looking back, I think timing played a big role.

That period of my life was different. My mom had passed away not long before that. Around the same time, my best friend — the one I used to talk to every day — got married. We were still on good terms, but naturally, things changed. She had her own life, her own priorities, and I understood that.

But it still left a space.

And he came into that space.

He showed interest. And for the first time, I allowed myself to respond to it. Maybe because I was vulnerable. Maybe because it felt good to have someone there.

At that time, I didn’t question it too much. But deep down, I noticed something. He wasn’t fully there.

I knew he had just come out of a long-term relationship. I could sense that he wasn’t as invested. But I pushed that feeling aside. I didn’t want to look at it too closely.

Because in that moment, having someone felt better than having no one. So I stayed.

In the end, it ended just as quietly as it began. I wasn’t blind. I saw the signs before it happened. I just chose to ignore them. And that’s the part that hurt the most.

Not just what he did, but what I allowed.

I felt broken. Really broken.

Not because I lost him, but because I realised I had gone against myself. I saw what was happening, and I still let it continue.

I was mad.

But not at him.

At myself.