I Didn’t Leave Loudly
Assalamualaikum wbt,
Hi,
All this was a sequence of life events. I think?
I had a childhood friend I was very close to. Not the one whom I texted every day. That friend is in a different section.
We started hiking together sometime around 2016. It started in 2015 as an experiment for me. She asked me to join. Over time, it became more than just a hobby. It was a circle, a routine, a place where I felt like I belonged. I admit, I have my best moments with these people, and I stand by it.
At some point, I became heavily involved. I managed the social media. I gave my time, my energy, and my effort without really questioning it. It felt natural to show up that way for people I considered my own.
In early 2019, something started to feel different. It wasn’t one big incident. It was a pattern. The way she treated me changed.
When it was just a small group, she was fine. Warm, normal, like before. But when more people were around, especially newer ones, I felt like I became… invisible. Or just left on my own.
I noticed it.
I brought it up, but it went nowhere. To her, I was being too emotional. Maybe even annoying.
So I tried to rationalise it. I told myself maybe she was focusing on new people. Maybe I was overthinking. But deep down, I knew something wasn’t right. Because I knew, if I were in her position, I wouldn’t treat my friend that way. And it didn’t just happen once. It happened a few times that year. Enough for me to feel it clearly.
Disrespected.
The more I sat with it, the more I realised something about myself too. I was always there. Anything she asked, I would do. I showed up without limits.
Maybe I made it too easy for people to take me for granted. The moment I decided to leave wasn’t even about me directly.
It happened during one of our friends’ wedding preparations. There was a simple request about the bridesmaid attire, and she chose not to follow it.
It stayed with me.
Because I remembered how much we had all done for her during her wedding. And in that moment, I thought, if she could disregard something important like that for someone else, then maybe what I had been feeling all along wasn’t wrong.
That was the point where something in me settled.
I removed myself from the hiking group, unfollowed everyone, and went silent.
COVID happened around that time, and in a way, it made things easier. There were no gatherings, no pressure to explain, no forced interactions.
But what came after was something else.
Not the kind that comes from being physically alone, but the kind where you realise you no longer have a space to belong to. And no one to talk to about it.
That was my fight. Quietly dealing with the sadness, the silence, and everything in between.
Later on, I found out she had spoken about me.
Not just within the group, but even to people outside of it. Saying things like the hiking group was “hers,” as if everything that had been built existed because of her alone. That part didn’t hurt the same way.
It didn’t make me sad. It made me lose respect.
Because I knew how much I had contributed. The time, the effort, the sincerity. And to have that reduced into something so small, just to justify her side, told me more about her than it did about me.
Today, we exist in the same social space again, at least online.
But whatever she shares about her life, I don’t feel anything. No anger, no sadness, no regret.
Just nothing.
Because I know I didn’t lose anything by walking away. If anything, I left with one thing still intact.
Myself.
I can stand by the way I showed up in that friendship. I know I was sincere. I know I gave my best.
And that is enough.
