Still Carrying, Still Here

Assalamualaikum wbt,

Hi!

It’s been a while. I’ll just put my emotional baggage here for now. I’ve been a bit occupied lately, hence the silence.

Emotional baggage dump:

I’m someone who learned how to survive by being capable.

Somewhere along the way, I learned that being responsible, reliable, and low‑maintenance felt safer than being needy or uncertain. I think a lot. I try to do the right thing. I don’t like burdening people with my pain, so I learned how to carry it quietly. I keep moving even when I’m empty. Because of that, most people probably don’t realize how much I’m holding.

I’m not confused about life because I don’t know what I want. I’m tired. Tired because I’ve been carrying my worth like a job. If I don’t prove something like productivity, progress, usefulness, I feel like I don’t deserve to exist peacefully. When I’m exhausted and can’t produce, my mind turns on me and tells me I’m falling behind. But the truth is simpler and heavier: I’ve been running on depleted fuel for a long time.

A part of me wants to live with flow. To stop forcing, stop gripping so tightly, stop trying to earn rest. But another part of me is scared. If I let go, will I lose everything? If I stop pushing, will I become nothing? So I live in this constant tension between softness and fear, rest and guilt, hope and anger.

That’s why my emotions come in waves. Some days I’m okay. Some days I’m mad. Some days I wish for things I don’t even know how to name. Some days I go numb. Not because I’m unstable, but because I’ve been alone with too much for too long.

I don’t actually want praise. I don’t need applause. What I want is simpler and more human than that. I want to be seen. I want someone to notice me without me having to perform, explain, or justify myself. I want someone to ask, honestly, “Are you okay?” because I feel like that one sincere question might finally let the wall come down.

This version of me isn’t weak. This version of me is overloaded. And still trying. Still caring. Still wanting connection. Still here.

And even if I can’t celebrate myself right now, that doesn’t mean I’m unworthy. It means I’m exhausted from doing everything without enough care coming back to me.

For now, I don’t have answers.
I have breath.
And I’m still here.

And maybe I’m waiting for BTS comeback and bring a little happiness with them. Random, but whatever.