Choosing Myself After Everything

Assalamualaikum wbt,

Hi!

When I started writing again, I wanted to piece together whatever memories remained. But can I really do that?

I’ve had a hard time recalling certain moments, and that’s part of why I began writing — to remember, but also to let go of the emotional baggage I didn’t realize I was still carrying.

I remember how, at one point, I threw myself entirely into work. But work… never held the best memories for me. Everything felt hard — the tasks, the people, the environment. I mostly worked with men, and yes, it’s an industry dominated by them. I’m not whining, but some days, it was just too harsh. Still, I pushed through because I had to.

I still remember one incident when I received inappropriate, sexual remarks from more than seven men at a worksite. Even now, I despise that person. Even now. When I left my second job, I wasn’t sad — I just didn’t see myself there anymore.

My third workplace felt too similar to the first one. I won’t spell it all out here, but by then, I was mature enough to know I didn’t want to face that kind of situation again. So, I left.

I decided to pivot into a new industry and start over. At that point, I was already dealing with severe burnout. The real reason I quit my third job was because my anxiety had worsened until I eventually suffered a panic attack. I was hospitalized because I had fallen too sick, both physically and mentally.

My new job is nice. I wouldn’t call it easy — every job has its challenges — but compared to my past roles, it feels manageable. I feel lighter. I’m starting to heal again. No more panic attacks, though anxiety still visits once in a while.

The thing about panic attacks is… you truly feel like dying. You can’t breathe. Everything feels wrong. Your body turns hot, your head spins, your chest tightens, and you feel like crying all at once. That’s what it’s like.

This new job is okay. But the best part is that, after nearly nine years, I finally have a manager I can rely on for good feedback — not just criticism. In the past, I was often judged harshly without guidance or context. Now, I finally feel supported.

All I want is a peaceful life. I think I’m just tired — so tired that even sleep doesn’t always help. But for now, I’m grateful to have this time to slow down, to find mental clarity, and to plan my life again. I’m still healing, but I’m thankful that I chose me.

Some people questioned my decisions, but honestly, I never told anyone the full story of what I went through, so I don’t blame them. That’s life, I guess. Whenever I feel like I’m struggling, I remind myself that someone out there has it worse. I just have to live through it — because, at the end of the day, everything passes.

I’m still mapping out my career, and I pray that one day things will be better — professionally and financially.

I want to close the chapter on what has been holding me back. Writing here has helped me release so much, piece by piece.

After this post, I hope I’ll come back only to reminisce — not to hold on anymore. I want to see the version of me who heals with every word I write.

To my future self: you might stumble again, but always choose yourself and your health. They’re worth more than anything else.