A Conversation I Didn’t Know I Needed

Assalamualaikum wbt,

Hi,

I went to my sister’s house today. It’s something I usually do on weekends.

I have five sisters who were born in the 60s and 80s, and I’m the only one born in the 90s. Growing up, I wouldn’t say we were very close, at least from my side. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I can’t really remember. Maybe that’s also why I don’t usually share my problems with them.

We never really talked deeply about losing our parents. Even today, when the topic comes up, it stays on the surface.

I don’t talk about it much because, honestly, it makes me sad. Not because I haven’t accepted it, I have. I’m just sad because I miss them.

And sometimes people misunderstand that feeling. But it’s nothing complicated. I just miss them.

Today, somehow, the topic came up again. And we talked.

I think this was the first time I told one of my sisters how I actually felt growing up with our parents. I told her I never had resentment, never really had issues with them. Maybe because I didn’t create much trouble. I listened more compared to my siblings, although I still did things they didn’t like, I was still a child, after all.

I told her I was deeply affected when my dad passed away, because it was so sudden. I was always closer to him.

With my mom, it was different. She was stricter, and I guess I kept a bit of distance. Not fear exactly, just… I didn’t want to test her patience.

After my dad passed, I became closer to my mom. Not in the sense that I shared everything, but the relationship softened. It became easier.

I also told my sister that I think I was lucky.

Lucky to be raised by my parents, and lucky in another way too. Most of my friends were firstborns, maybe 90% of them. I saw the kind of pressure they carried. I didn’t have that.

Even though I didn’t have much compared to others, I grew up happy. And for that, I’m always grateful.

During our conversation, I noticed something.

My voice still wavered.

There’s still sadness in me. But this time, I didn’t avoid it. I didn’t change the topic. I stayed with it and talked it through.

And it felt… good.

Life can feel heavy sometimes, even when you don’t fully understand why. That’s where my anxiety comes from. And I hate that feeling, the constant uncertainty, the lack of control.

But I’m learning to ground myself in a simple truth: I can’t control the future.

Sometimes I let that fear hold me back. I stay in the same place instead of moving forward, because I’m too focused on what might go wrong.

So now, I’m trying something different.

I choose to be happy by focusing on what I have rather than what I don’t.

The rest… I’ll figure it out along the way.

I came across a term recently: messy discipline.

Doing things even when they’re not perfect.

And I realise that’s one of my weaknesses. I wait until things feel “right” before I act. So this is something I’m trying to work on.

That’s where I am today.

Oh, and I recently started recording voice memos, talking about one topic a day. I just want to learn how to express myself better. My thoughts tend to be all over the place, so I’m taking it slowly.

Same with my writing.

It still feels a bit awkward sometimes, like I haven’t quite found my rhythm in storytelling.

But I think that’s okay.